My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
