Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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