Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
