So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
