You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
