He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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