The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
