Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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