yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Whod you bang
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
