seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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