so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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