I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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