Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
