The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
