i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Randomize
