Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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