If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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