Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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