Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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