Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
he just fucked me for my cheese.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
