I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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