i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
