i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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