I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
