he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Randomize
