It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
