Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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