Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
