my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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