I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
