How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
