how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
A bitchslap is in order.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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