So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
