ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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