also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
