I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
