The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
