remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
