My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
you made out with another girl for some wings
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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