fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
