Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
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