so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
