When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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