just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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