connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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