oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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