On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
