Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
