Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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