Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
