Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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